Writing: Pitchforks

For V and Ivan - since they seem to have a soft spot for the little serial killer.

Once upon a time there was the dearest little village in the mountains. All of its milkmaids were plump and rosy cheeked, its geese were as white as snow, the village itself was neat and well kept and the village folk were of the simple and good natured sort.

Due to the fortress that loomed, dark and vengeful over their small village, they were also all excellent marksmen (many of the men had won shooting competitions in their youth) and all, down to the youngest child, were quite nifty with a sharpened pitchfork or flaming torch.

Oddly, the fortress never seemed to be inhabited for long and the tenants seldom left a forwarding address.

The most recent tenant however, seemed to be a different sort from the usual. She had long, perfectly kept blond hair and beautiful large blue eyes. Her posture was excellent, her smiles charming. And well, if she seemed a little shy around people, surely it was fashionable for ladies to be demure?

Several of the lads had already fallen for her, which would have made the milkmaids her enemy, had she not clearly and politely refused them.

In fact, the only discordant note about her was her ward, Ned. The villagers had seen enough minions and mutants around to recognise one when they saw it – but the lady seemed genuinely devoted to him and Ned itself seemed to wish no one ill. The villagers assumed that perhaps he was a relative of hers fallen on hard times, and that the lady had brought him here out of the prying eyes of society.

Yes, the villagers found their new tenant wonderfully acceptable and gladly took her into their society.

Every villager that is, but one.

Alexis was the secondary village blacksmith. As you can imagine, a small village does not really require two blacksmiths and times could be hard if you were rated second. Normally it wasn't so bad for Alexis – you could count on a regular supply of tenants coming in and out of the village. And when they left, the villages always needed pitchforks and Alexis were rated the best. So his sales of pitchforks were enough to keep him afloat.

But now they had ‘The Lady’

Alexis hated the lady.

Ever since she arrived the villagers had done nothing but coo over her, with her pretty blond hair, her pretty blue eyes and pretty smile. Her looks had blinded the villagers to her nature. Alexis had been born in the village and had seen hundreds of tenants come and go. He knew that however pretty her packaging was, what looked out from behind her eyes was a monster. His pitchforks sang with her craving for blood.

But no one would believe him.

So, one day, when he could afford nothing but hard bread and stale cheese for dinner, he decided to prove his point. He took his deadliest pitchfork with him (he called her Marilyn for the shine on her tines) and crept up to the fortress. He kept an eye out for Ned, her minion. He liked to chase butterflies on the front lawn. He didn’t think he’d be much of an issue but you could never be sure.

The fortress seemed deserted – the merest plume of smoke drifted from the chimney but that was all. He crept towards the labs at the back of the building. The door was open and he cautiously looked through. The sight that met his eyes made his heart leap for joy.

The lady was crouched over Ned, her dress was splattered with the blood from his cut throat and numerous other slashes across his body, most likely made with the blood soaked pearl handed straight razor the lady held in her hand.

He must have made a noise, for her head moved sharply and then she was looking right at him. In spite of himself, he took a step back. There was nothing human in that look.

He made himself stammer, “M. M. Monster! Just wait till I get the others!” He regained his composure at the thought of his comrades. “Just wait until you taste the purity of the flame!”

And she laughed. Not a light delicate tinkle of a giggle, but the deep, full bellied guffaw of the truly amused.

“Ned.” She said

And then the thing on the floor was moving, moving when it shouldn’t have been with cuts and bits flapping and eyes too full of blood to see but it was moving to fast, too fast and he was on the floor. He was on the floor and the lady was looking down at him and the blood from her razor was dripping onto his face. The blood that had come from the thing holding him down.

The lady delicately licked the blood off the razor with a neat pink tongue.

“Nighty night.” She said

And then all went black.

He woke to find himself tied to a squishy floral armchair in front of a merrily burning wood fire.

The lady was in the opposite chair, watching him. Ned, all cuts vanished as if they’d never been, was curled at her feet. Its hair had been freshly washed and someone had lovely wrapped him in a multicoloured blanket. It was wearing bunny slippers.

For some reason, Alexis couldn’t tear his eyes away from how the ears of the slippers bobbed and danced as Ned twitched in its sleep.

“It’s asleep.” He croaked out at last.

“Yes, Ned gets tired from regenerating.” The lady said pleasantly. She leant and ruffled her fingers through its hair. Ned seemed to make a noise like purring.

“You are helpless.” He whispered

“If you think so then why are you trembling?”

“Monster.” He tried to shout but it trickled out from between his lips as a whimper.

“Ha! Pot. Kettle. Black!” She said disbelievingly. “Or have you not done the maths?”

“I saw you…kill him.”

“And now he lives.” She again ruffled his hair and had she been any other girl Alexis would have said she did it with tenderness. “Ned cannot die. He came like a gift for I must kill, the desire burns too bright within me. But due to, certain circumstances,” and here she looked away and was that pink tainting her cheeks? “It was beyond my grasp. But then Ned appeared and saved me. In return I will care for and touch no one but Ned. But you! Oh my but you and the other villagers, you are far worse than me.”

“We kill monsters!”

“Yes, you do. Over and over and over. In fact, can you even remember the number of throats you’ve cut? The amount of ropes you’ve tied, fires you’ve lit? Heck, this whole place is  a custom designed monster trap!”

“I don’t, I don’t know what you mean.” Alexis stammered out.

“Oh come now dear. An innocent, hideously outdated, little backwater village tucked away in the mountain, miles away from the nearest neighbour – a perfect little honeypot. You even have milkmaids for crying out loud! And along comes a count or mad scientist or yeti and thinks they’ve found heaven! A perfect well stocked larder/experiment subjects, no one for miles to interfere and a fortress at a reasonable rental rate. Heaven! And then you wait. You wait and you play nice and all the while you’re sharpening your pitchforks and the second they step out of line, the second you think they step out of line – they’re done for. The torches come out, the pitchforks stab and the bonfires are lit. Bye, bye monster.

And of course it’s not murder. How can it be murder when you’re the good guys? When you’re simply defending your home? So what if the ground is drenched with blood and the charnel pits are choked with corpses? So what if every child here knows how to wield a weapon before they can even write their own name? They’re the monsters, they attacked first, it wasn’t us, it wasn’t me, and our hands are clean.”

“And you dare to come in here and call us monsters.” She says.

Alexis huddled against the chair, trying to hide behind his bonds, away from the lady with the truth written all over her face.

“So Alexis, what should I do with you?” She asked.

“If you kill me it won’t change anything.” He said hoarsely.

“Very true.” She says agreeably – and pulls out her newly cleaned straight razor.

Alexis whimpered as she moved towards him.

“Please” he said

“Feels shitty to be on the other end of that word huh?” She leaned forward

Alexis closed his eyes

And she cut the rope.

After a few minutes Alexis opened his eyes again. The lady was back sitting in her chair, the straight razor still in her hand.

“The thing is Alexis, I like this place. I like how quaint it is – even if trying to get a signal for the internet is a pain in the arse. I want to stay.” She tilted her head to one side and smiled. “I guess you could say I feel comfortable amongst my own kind.”

Alexis shivered.

“But I will need a friend. This place is big – too big to manage by myself. I know your prospects in the village are not too…prosperous shall we say? I realise that my disinclination to offer myself as a sacrificial lamb to your villager’s murderous impulses may have something to do with that. So I propose a deal.”

“A deal?” A movement caught Alexis’s eye. Ned is awake and staring at him.

“Yes, how do you feel about being my butler?”

“A butler!” Indignation temporarily overcomes his terror. “I am a blacksmith, not some namby pamby butler!”

“But not a very good blacksmith.” She said coolly. “Call it what you want but I could do with some ears and eyes in the village and to help me maintain my estate. The villagers’ blood lust won’t stay sated forever, prior warning would be useful.”

“I’ll not betray my neighbours to the likes of you!”

“So you do have a spine then? Interesting. I could do a lot with a spine you know.” She paused. “You will be handsomely paid. And, of course, the lodge on the grounds comes with the position.”

Alexis hesitated. The lodge was a handsome stone building, warmly heated and with indoor plumbing. He thought of his two room shack on the edge of the village. His stomach was still growling from the insufficient dinner he had had.

Then the lady delivered the killer blow. “Likewise provisions would be made for you to obtain a housekeeper. I hardly expect a man to keep a lodge of that size in order. The girl will be hired at your own discretion of course.”

A young pretty girl to keep his house and cook his meals.

Alexis handed over his tattered and black soul without even a backwards glance.

“When do I start m’lady?”

The lady smiled. “You can move in tonight and we will talk more in the morning. I assume you can show yourself out. After all, you will have been here plenty of times yourself.”

Alexis nodded and went to the door. Then he paused and turned.

“Milady?”

“Yes?”

“You have a spot of ..uh.. on your cheek.”

The lady reached up her hand a brushed at her cheek. Her fingers came away red.

“Oh dear, I always seem to miss a spot. Thank you Alexis, I can see you’ll be worth your weight in gold already. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Alexis left.

The lady sighed and slumped in her chair. Ned leaned up and made an enquiring noise.

“Oh Ned,” she said, ruffling his hair. “I am still not good with people. But,” she carried on thoughtfully, “he and the villagers are far easier to deal with than most. Perhaps because they’re just like me on the inside.”

Ned yipped and brushed his cheek against hers. She held his frail body tenderly in her arms.

“Oh Ned…. Shall we try the axe tomorrow?”