Your shower washed
your fingerprints
from my skin
Your comb liberated
the knots you tangled
in my hair
Your toothpaste dissolved
the taste of your mouth
on mine
My body again a blank slate
last night unwritten
from the pages of my flesh
But I can still feel your fingers
pressed hard down to bone
burning
Tuesday 30 August 2011
Thursday 4 August 2011
Random: Immodest/Paranoid
How crazy is crazy?
Hmmm, let me start that again.
I suffer from incredible shyness. Due to this world being such a sociable place I work hard to overcome this - as it's hard to interact/ earn money whilst locked in your room (unless you're a writer or Internet genius or some such. I must stress that lack of social contact is only a small part of the reason why I want to be a full time professional writer)
As such, at work, for instance, I have my 'professional persona' which, although incorporates quite a lot of my own personality, it also incorporates a lot of fake, smokescreen characteristics. Chipperness being a large part of it. 'Fake' might be the wrong term to use - these characteristic may not be in my original make up but after a while they being automatic and almost indistinguishable from the 'real' thing.
My work persona - since I am in work 9-5, 5 days a week, has become so routine that sometimes I pull out those characteristics when interacting with my friends - and occasionally it will even feel natural (not always though). I hope this is the result of years of me trying to be more self confident and less shy and not, say for instance, my mental cohesiveness breaking down.
But all in all, I feel happier in myself than I have done for a long time so I'm going to go with the more optimistic viewpoint that I am just getting more comfortable in my own skin.
Which leads me on to the original point: how crazy is crazy?
I am at my most craziest (my most myself) when I am with people I care about. Simply because I trust them to love me as I am - and I return the favour. After all, what is the point of friends who don't actually like you the way you are?
My Muttley Bear.... well, I think it is a testament to how much he loves me that I haven't been committed yet :)
This is all fine and dandy - except when it comes to 'new friends'
Now, as I child I was so atrociously shy that I used to hate going anywhere new where there would be people of my own age as I was sure that a. They'd see me for the freak I am and b. No one would like me
This feeling, although dimmed, has always lingered. Thus, going into a room full of complete strangers (or worse, a room full of people who know each other but have no idea who you are) has always instilled me with a sense of deep, dark dread.
On the plus side, whenever I do make a new friend I am almost ecstatcially happy.
Which is where the trouble lies.
I am so happy, in fact, that I tend to drive myself crazy, God knows how the other person feels. A new friend is such a cherished occurrence that I tend to just want to take pictures of them, call them everyday, tell them how wonderful they are and basically act like a teenage fangirl.
Then comes the realisation that I have been acting like a teenage fangirl, and then comes the FEAR.
Fear that I have been too pushy, too clingy, too crazy. Fear that, when I have finally made a new friend, that I have scared them off with my behaviour. Thus, each text/hi/wave becomes a nightmare of decision. Should I email or not? Do they want to hear from me? Are they going to start avoiding me? Perhaps I am being too immodest and forcing my company upon them? Perhaps I being too paranoid and since I haven't texted yet they think that I am upset with them?
This fangirl/paranoia phase can last from anytime from one month to six depending on the person in question. Some friends have managed to knock it out of me in a week - others it's taken longer (since they're so wonderful I simply can't believe my luck ;) )
So, any future friends of mine out there in the world (and I do hope we will meet), if, after becoming one of my acquaintances, you think you may have come into contact with a demon possessed emo cheerleader - fear not! It is just me trying to impress you :)
Hmmm, on second thoughts...maybe secluding myself away from the world isn't such a bad idea after all
Hmmm, let me start that again.
I suffer from incredible shyness. Due to this world being such a sociable place I work hard to overcome this - as it's hard to interact/ earn money whilst locked in your room (unless you're a writer or Internet genius or some such. I must stress that lack of social contact is only a small part of the reason why I want to be a full time professional writer)
As such, at work, for instance, I have my 'professional persona' which, although incorporates quite a lot of my own personality, it also incorporates a lot of fake, smokescreen characteristics. Chipperness being a large part of it. 'Fake' might be the wrong term to use - these characteristic may not be in my original make up but after a while they being automatic and almost indistinguishable from the 'real' thing.
My work persona - since I am in work 9-5, 5 days a week, has become so routine that sometimes I pull out those characteristics when interacting with my friends - and occasionally it will even feel natural (not always though). I hope this is the result of years of me trying to be more self confident and less shy and not, say for instance, my mental cohesiveness breaking down.
But all in all, I feel happier in myself than I have done for a long time so I'm going to go with the more optimistic viewpoint that I am just getting more comfortable in my own skin.
Which leads me on to the original point: how crazy is crazy?
I am at my most craziest (my most myself) when I am with people I care about. Simply because I trust them to love me as I am - and I return the favour. After all, what is the point of friends who don't actually like you the way you are?
My Muttley Bear.... well, I think it is a testament to how much he loves me that I haven't been committed yet :)
This is all fine and dandy - except when it comes to 'new friends'
Now, as I child I was so atrociously shy that I used to hate going anywhere new where there would be people of my own age as I was sure that a. They'd see me for the freak I am and b. No one would like me
This feeling, although dimmed, has always lingered. Thus, going into a room full of complete strangers (or worse, a room full of people who know each other but have no idea who you are) has always instilled me with a sense of deep, dark dread.
On the plus side, whenever I do make a new friend I am almost ecstatcially happy.
Which is where the trouble lies.
I am so happy, in fact, that I tend to drive myself crazy, God knows how the other person feels. A new friend is such a cherished occurrence that I tend to just want to take pictures of them, call them everyday, tell them how wonderful they are and basically act like a teenage fangirl.
Then comes the realisation that I have been acting like a teenage fangirl, and then comes the FEAR.
Fear that I have been too pushy, too clingy, too crazy. Fear that, when I have finally made a new friend, that I have scared them off with my behaviour. Thus, each text/hi/wave becomes a nightmare of decision. Should I email or not? Do they want to hear from me? Are they going to start avoiding me? Perhaps I am being too immodest and forcing my company upon them? Perhaps I being too paranoid and since I haven't texted yet they think that I am upset with them?
This fangirl/paranoia phase can last from anytime from one month to six depending on the person in question. Some friends have managed to knock it out of me in a week - others it's taken longer (since they're so wonderful I simply can't believe my luck ;) )
So, any future friends of mine out there in the world (and I do hope we will meet), if, after becoming one of my acquaintances, you think you may have come into contact with a demon possessed emo cheerleader - fear not! It is just me trying to impress you :)
Hmmm, on second thoughts...maybe secluding myself away from the world isn't such a bad idea after all
Tuesday 2 August 2011
Neglect
I fear I have neglected my blog terribly lately, but I do have the most excellent excuse of being out of the country.
Corfu, where my friend and I sojourned, was truly blissful. Hot, sunny with an excellent pool it was practically heaven (apart from the fact that not all the people I wished for were there).
Of course, now I have to feel the inevitable downfall of returning to work.
Not good.
After having a week of being left to my own indulgent devices, to have to return to the stultifying nature of work, with all of its bizarre idiosyncrasies and restrictions, is just too depressing. I have zero enthusiasm for it and I fear today it is showing.
Apologies for making you listening to my whining. I promise that at least next time I will think of something more interesting and entertaining to read.
Corfu, where my friend and I sojourned, was truly blissful. Hot, sunny with an excellent pool it was practically heaven (apart from the fact that not all the people I wished for were there).
Of course, now I have to feel the inevitable downfall of returning to work.
Not good.
After having a week of being left to my own indulgent devices, to have to return to the stultifying nature of work, with all of its bizarre idiosyncrasies and restrictions, is just too depressing. I have zero enthusiasm for it and I fear today it is showing.
Apologies for making you listening to my whining. I promise that at least next time I will think of something more interesting and entertaining to read.
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